Ultra Conservative Coulter is Foolish to Not Embrace Single Mothers

This morning on the Today Show on NBC, ultra conservative author, Ann Coulter announced that she wrote in her new book, Guilty – Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America, that most of our society’s problems would be solved if women were not allowed to raise their children without a husband. Her reasoning was based on a statistic that says that 70 percent of all crimes are committed by people who were raised by single mothers. She feels that children of single mothers are victims of liberal values.

I don’t plan to read the book, not because I agree or disagree with Coulter’s views, but because I prefer to do other activities in my spare time. I did, however, listen to Ann Coulter speak on the Today show on her opinions of single motherhood twice, once to Matt Lauer in the early slot and a second time to Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb in the late slot.

Ms. Coulter, before you ostracize single mothers, think about the possible ramifications. Aren’t you possibly giving pregnant women an incentive to get abortions rather than face intense criticism? Teenagers already suffer unbelievably high amounts of embarrassment just for wearing the wrong brand of jeans. If you think accusing them of breeding criminals is going to encourage a pregnant teen to marry the father or put their child up for adoption, think again. She’s going straight for the clinic before anyone’s the wiser, and her parents and the father’s parents are going to be happy to give her the money.

My problem with the “right to lifer’s” has always been: Put your support where your mouth is. If you’re going to outlaw or stop abortions, you need to throw some support to single mothers. Give them free rent in a church-run dormitory or apartment. Supply them with baby food, clothing, and diapers. Pay their medical bills. Help them feel accepted and part of your church family. You never know, maybe they’ll meet a fine, upstanding man in your congregation and get married and have lots more babies that will fill your church each Sunday.

Consider my childhood friend Sarah who I grew up with in North Carolina. Within her family is a case study of unplanned pregnancies with tragic results.

Sarah’s oldest sister, Laura, became pregnant in her freshman year of college at a state run school in the late 1970’s. Jim, the father of the baby, did the right thing, proposed, and Laura accepted. Laura then took Jim home to meet her parents one weekend. Unfortunately, Laura’s parents didn’t like Jim since his family was poor and they felt he was beneath their social class. Jim was also graduating and leaving for an Army assignment at the end of the school year, so that Laura would have to drop out of college to raise the child. Laura’s parents didn’t want to see their young, pretty daughter throw her future away, so they convinced her to have an abortion. Early Saturday morning despite Jim’s protests, Laura’s parents quietly drove her to the doctor. Jim drove home in tears. Laura’s parents then took her out of the “hillbilly” college and put her in a fancy private university.

Unfortunately, Laura became pregnant again four years later in her senior year of college. This time, she insisted on going through with the pregnancy. The wealthy father of the baby, Andrew, had no intention of marrying Laura even though they had dated for two years in college and were considered an item. Andrew accused her of sleeping around, so Laura insisted on a paternity test. Even after proving that Andrew was the father, he relinquished all rights to the baby, claimed unemployment (he was a student) and would not give child support. Laura had to apply for state support.

Laura’s father was livid with her for continuing the pregnancy and literally threw her out of the house by not allowing her to return to her parents home after the end of the school year. Laura’s mother stood by her husband, since he is so strong willed and violent (It’s amazing how well such secrets are kept hidden behind the doors of upper and middle class white families). Laura’s parents’ primary argument against keeping the child was social embarrassment.

Fortunately, Laura’s grandmother took her in and enjoyed taking care of her little granddaughter while Laura worked two part time jobs at minimum wage to keep her head above water. So much for that expensive private university degree!

Laura’s younger sister, Beth, also got pregnant around this time, but after seeing what happened to Laura, she quietly went to a clinic without telling a soul. (I heard about it many, many years later after the dust had settled.)

My friend Sarah, the youngest of the three sisters, got pregnant years later in her freshman year of college. She visited me over the Christmas holidays while we were both home from college to ask for advice. We got a drugstore test which showed positive. She was worried her father would kill her and was too scared to talk to anyone in her family, especially Laura, who would be happy to pass the “shame” torch and have some of the attention taken off herself.

Sarah’s boyfriend Marvin, the father of the baby, had no ability to provide support, being just a kid himself. I rode with her to visit Marvin at his parents house, a nice home in a good neighborhood. He told her it was her decision – she could keep it or she could have an abortion. “I’m not going to marry you or be able to support you,” he said. He was not afraid to tell his parents who firmly said in front of me and Sarah, “No, we don’t want nothing to do with a baby.”

I had no idea how to help. Sarah was all alone.

What Sarah really wanted to do was have the baby knowing full well that her parents would disown her and cut off her financial support. Laura was still slaving away at two part time jobs with WIC food to supplement her meager income. Sarah didn’t want that. She also didn’t want to put her baby up for adoption since she felt she would regret it later. Instead, she wanted to keep the baby and get help in the form of a place to live near campus and childcare, so she could stay in school to finish her degree on a scholarship.

When Sarah returned to her college campus after the holidays, she went to Planned Parenthood to confirm her pregnancy. She was now 7 weeks along. If she was to have an abortion, she wanted to do it by the 9th week before the baby looked human, so she went ahead and made the appointment. She had two weeks to change her mind.

Sarah walked around the outskirts of campus (these were the B.I, Before Internet days) looking for brochures and fliers in the library and churches offering help to unwed mothers. Two churches told her they would be happy to take the baby off her hands. “No,” she said.

By the 9th week, Sarah had not found any help. She and Marvin walked to the clinic together. 

Years later, we all got together with some other friends at a baby shower for Beth, now married, and heard each other’s stories, discussing the plight of the unwed mother. Regarding abortions, you were damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Despite warnings that abortion causes infertility, all three sisters, Laura, Beth, and Sarah, got married, got pregnant again, and had children. All of us knew countless other children of southern white church-going families who had done the very same thing, all afraid that they would be shamed by their communities and disowned by their families for embarrassing them. I think the only reason it didn’t happen to me is because I can’t have children.

It would be easy to assume that the men in this story are liberals because they all advocated for abortion. Such is not the case. All are southerners and card carrying, church-going, self-righteous, right wing conservatives who vote Republican at every election.

It’s also easy to assume that only poor white trash and blacks get pregnant out of wedlock. That’s the stigma. That’s the shame. Such is not the case. It seems just about every sexually active teenager from my day, the days before birth control was made readily available, got pregnant. The truth is, the rich white families took their pregnant daughters to get abortions; passed grandchildren off as their own late-in-life surprises; or sent their children away to secretly have the babies which were then adopted away.

The poor families already had so many skeletons spilling out of the closet, a pregnant teenager made no difference. They had no shame, so they had their babies out of wedlock for all the world to see. Yes, perhaps some of their children became criminals. However, I don’t think this is a symptom of being the child of a single mother. I think this is evidence that there are a greater number of poor young women who have kids out of wedlock than middle or upper class young women.

By ostracizing the single mother by suggesting that the odds are in favor that she is 70% likely to breed a criminal, you are only adding fuel to the “shame” fire. This will no doubt result in even more abortions.

Isn’t that the goal – end abortions?